by Kim Ablon Whitney & Jen Stiller
Then
After you drop off Jennifer at the barn for the entire day
on the week before Regionals, go home and rummage through drawer filled with
Guess jeans and leg warmers to find pair of four-way stretch Harry Hall’s and
make sure they’re not stained on the butt from when Jennifer oiled her new Beval Devon saddle to break it in.
Put Jennifer’s needlepoint belt and her nameplate plaque belt on her bed
so she can choose which to wear.
Grab show shirt only to find collar is missing and spend
next hour looking through old Care Bears, My Little Ponies, and Breyer models
with Kleenex stuck on them as pretend blankets and leg wraps to find missing
collar. Take Pytchley wool navy jacket
to dry cleaners to have slobber stain removed from the time Jennifer leant it
to Kimberly for the recent two-phase Pony Club Rally.
While you’re out, stop by mom & pop drugstore to pick up
three-pack of Goodie hairnets for $1.95.
Polish Jennifer’s Vogel boots and put them in boot bag with boot
pulls. Call the 1-800-number for the
Dover Saddlery Catalog and order a new stick since Jennifer lost hers on a
recent trail ride, and a new pair of gloves that will stain her hands
black.
Realize it’s 7:00 and you’re an hour late to pick Jennifer
up at the barn. Get there to find her covered
in dirt and slobber, and hanging out with the seven other barn rats that are
still there. Trainer is nowhere in
sight. It looked like maybe they were
sneaking a cigarette? God, you want a
cigarette. Why did you give them up
again? Total spent: $40.
Now
While watching Lily’s third lesson from the air conditioned viewing
room, go online on your iPhone and order two new pairs of Pikeur breeches. Also call to make sure Lily’s new Charles
Ancona jacket will be delivered before Regionals. Look discerningly at Lily as she rides—are
her new Parlanti boots you bought to replace the pair she rode through this
summer breaking in sufficiently or will it hinder her performance at Regionals? Obsess mentally about whether the new boots
will be a problem and then attempt to clear your mind the way your power yoga
teacher instructs you to.
Put a reminder in your phone to send old Parlantis out to be
patched so Lily can wear them for schooling.
Wonder whether Taylor’s Hermes belt is real like Lily’s or a
knock-off. Probably a knock-off. Feel smug about that.
Put another reminder in your phone to make sure all the
snaps on all ten of Lily’s Essex Talent Yarn shirts are working so they don’t
fly open on course. Think about how
awful it would be if she was beaten out by her supposed best friend Taylor just
because her shirt flew open. Take a
calming breath and rid yourself of that image.
Your therapist has warned you about those negative thoughts of
yours.
Make another reminder to check to see she has at least two
sets of matching pizza cutter spurs.
Make another reminder to get a
massage and facial—you’re going to need it with all this stress. For that matter, book a week at Canyon Ranch
for November after finals are over. When
lessons are done for the day and Lily has handed her last horse to her groom,
blow kisses at trainer, assistant trainer, assistant-assistant trainer, thank
barn manager and groom, and take Lily out for salads from Sweet Greens before
heading home. Total spent: $3,420.
Then
Double check that the brush box has a full container of hoof
oil, a hoof pick, a stiff brush, and a rag.
Stop at the local mom and pop tack store for a new bottle of show sheen
and dippity-do for braids. Pray Jennifer
will make it through to the Garden this year.
Also pick up a six-pack of TAB, a bag of carrots, and a few candy bars
for the trip.
Schedule one extra lesson where Jennifer will work in the
ring without her stirrups instead of galloping through the woods with her
friends after she ditched her helmet the moment she got out of sight of the
trainer. Horse will be schooled over eq
courses so he knows it’s the eq and not the junior hunters or jumpers. Think how fun it will be to watch Jennifer
show!
Now
Make sure ring bag has extra supplies of sticky spray,
Shout-wipes, a boot-cleaning kit, BPA-free water bottle with infuser, extra
battery for iPhone, iPad for videoing, chargers, mints, and Lara bars.
Brace yourself for mega-bill for three trainer pro-rides a
week leading up to finals. Watch Lily
school over last year’s course that trainer set up in indoor. Watch even more lessons as Lily practices on
both her eq horse and her back-up eq horse and her USET horse.
Tell other mothers that you don’t actually care whether Lily
places at the finals, but that the most important thing is that she achieves
her personal best and feels satisfied with her performance. Of course you know all that matters is a
god-damn ribbon after all the time you’ve sacrificed and money you’ve
spent. Schedule extra session for Lily with
her sports psychologist to visualize success (and an extra session with
therapist for you).
Then
Remind Jennifer to give horse a half-tab bute.
Now
Approve barn manager ordering extra tubes of Gastroguard,
and full sessions with chiropractor, masseuse, and acupuncturist. Agree that vet injecting every possible joint
is a no-brainer. Warn husband of
impending financial ruin from vet and medication bills.
Then
Check tires and hitch of trailer, fill hay net and portable
water jugs. Pack trunk and tack and
metal stall door. Take out road maps to
make sure you know the best way to go and put them in the front seat for
Jennifer to help navigate. Tell husband
you’ll call him from pay phone when you get to the show.
Arrive at show after long, tiring drive in your Chevy
Suburban listening to Jennifer’s mix tapes and eating Lays chips. Set up stalls, including metal stall door, using
endless eye-hooks. Help Jennifer get
on. Drink your fourth TAB of the day as
she rides around the show grounds.
Now
Get text from assistant-assistant trainer saying horses are
off to the show with shipper. Drive
peacefully in your Range Rover while listening to Spotify, following your GPS,
and drinking ice coffee from Starbucks (ice skim chai for Lily). Post on Facebook: “Headed to Regionals—Good
luck, everyone!” while thinking to yourself, “I hope you all chip!” Lily takes a pic of a road sign and adds it
to her SnapChat story.
Then
The night before the class, hit Friendly’s or Wendy’s for
burger and fries with barn-mate, her mom, and trainer. Treat the girls to sundaes. Get back to the hotel room and into bed
early. Go to sleep wondering when
Jennifer will go in the order.
Now
Find cool sushi place on TripAdvisor and eat delicious
gourmet meal of Bigeye Tekka Donburi and Blue Fin Toro Scallion. Drink two big glasses of wine. Meet other moms at hotel bar after dinner for
more wine and gossip. Find Lily texting
with her boyfriend when you get back to the room. Tell her she has to go to sleep or she’ll
ride like crap tomorrow and regret it for the rest of her life.
Stalk order-of-go online to see who goes when. Curse that rider favored to win is going
right before Lily. End up taking an
Ambien so you can stop thinking about the class and finally sleep.
Then
Get up super early so Jennifer can braid her horse. Pick out the stall and refill the water
buckets as she braids. Rush up to ring
to see the posted order-of-go and course.
Say a word of thanks that she goes smack in the middle of the class and
not first or last.
Watch the first half of the class and then help Jennifer
tack up and get to the ring. After her
warm-up, wipe her boots and apply hoof oil.
Call “good luck” as she heads into the ring.
Stand near trainer holding your breath. When Jennifer puts in a good trip, burst out
in whoops. With that trip, you’re pretty
sure you’re headed to the Garden!
Now
Arrive at barn super early to find horse beautifully braided
and gleaming, not to mention already schooled by trainer. Bring groom, trainer, assistant-trainer, and
assistant-assistant trainer Starbucks so they will pay more attention to Lily
but act like it’s just out of the goodness of your heart. Post to Facebook: “So nervous for Lily, but I
know she’ll do her best!”
Make emergency call to sports psychologist when you find
Lily crying in the car. Get her centered
again and ready to ride.
At the ring, watch from the stands because of the unwritten
50-foot rule. When Lily’s amazing
ex-grand-prix-horse-turned-eq-horse manages to make three tight distances look
downright acceptable, burst out in whoops.
With that trip, you’re pretty sure you’re headed to Kentucky!
Kim Ablon Whitney is a 'R' judge and the author of novels set on the show circuit. Her latest novel is Winter Circuit
. Learn more about Kim at www.kimablonwhitney.com
Jennifer Stiller is a former junior and amateur rider who has retired from the show ring to become an (almost) full time horse show mom.
